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PANTY CULT
The Movie
An alien space ship lands in New Hampshire due to mechanical problems. While one of the aliens is doing the repairs, the other one leaves the ship and goes and stands in a stream and takes a dump. They're not supposed to leave anything on any planet - he knows he's fucking up, but he doesn't give a shit. The creature is brown, and resembles a big mound of dirt. He steps out of the water, and we see what appears to be a brown rock under the water, a leftover from his extraterrestrial bowels. He reenters the ship, and the ship takes off. 2 The stream leads to a local bottling plant. The cosmic rock erodes away very slowly, affecting the water going to the bottling plant. It would take at least two hundred years to totally disappear. The plant was going out of business, but suddenly it becomes a hit. 3 The plant was owned by two Italian guys: the Scumunghi brothers. One brother, Earl, was very conservative. The other brother, Harry, was very extravagant, and always wasted money. Earl would no sooner deposit a check than Harry would be there to withdraw the money. Harry gambles, chased women, and drank heavily. 4 Harry had three children with a sometime gold-digger named Gladys Witts. Their names were Nit, Half, and Dim. Harry's spending caused Earl to have a heart attack, and he became a turnip for the rest of his life until he died. 5 Gladys took off and left them when Nit was only five. Half was three and Dim was two. Harry brought up the three boys the best he could after Gladys left. He didn't know how to raise children, and he wasn't set up in life to be a father, but he did the best he could. He was a simple man. With his brother dead and his Gladys gone, he could no longer continue his extravagant lifestyle. 6 The boys when they were teenagers worked at the bottling plant. At that time it was a five man operation. Dad like delivering, and he was always on the truck. Nit, the brains of the family, or rather, the closest to a brain in the family, did sales. Dim worked in the warehouse loading the trucks - he was the muscle. Not a lot upstairs, just unbending strength. He also did all the cleaning. Half learned the machinery, and could fix almost anything. 7 Eventually Harry started to get involved with the life of striptease artists - he was obsessed with one in particular, called Butch. Feminine, but masculine at the same time. Lipstick, and grinding her teeth. And piercing eyes. Harry was a sucker for a sob story, and she had a couple hundred of them. Harry only had a hear a half a dozen of them before he was hooked, and in love. Harry was spending all of his time there, at the Three Z's. The boys took a stand, and told Harry to get the fuck out, and don't come back until you either take your fingers out of your ass, or your girlfriend's snatch. 8 The boys started to run the plant themselves. They were all in their early twenties by now, and were used to running the place. But now Harry had spent all their money, all the advances, and put a third mortgage on the plant. They lost their home - they were living at the plant now. They were an inch away from bankruptcy when orders started pouring in for the water. They would soon recover, and one day become respectable members of society. (The following scenes take place in Lowell, Massachusetts, two years later.) 9 The water affects perspiration, especially women's crotch sweat, which becomes like an intoxicating drug. The water has no apparent effect on people, but men discover they get high from sniffing soiled women's underwear. 10 Like: a man is making love to his girlfriend, and he's pulling her panties off, and he discovers that he's in a slightly intoxicated state. Different areas and odors from the women's underwear had different effects. Unfortunately, the intoxicating effect of any particular pair of panties would wear off after a short period of time. 11 Perspiration: gives you the feel of marijuana >> for the normal guys >> scenes of going to make a buy: Most dealers keep a low profile - these are the majority of the people that sniff panties. This is the most desired effect -- mellows people out. Some people take three sniffs, some need as many as seven. Users can become burn-outs if they do it too much. This is the most beneficial effect 12 Ass stains: give the sensation of drinking alcohol. >> scene of jocks sniffing as they watch sports on TV, guys who like simple repetitive patterns. It's the weekend,. The wife comes in and says, "Is that all you guys are going to do all weekend, is get shit-faced'" 13 Urine: effects similar to cocaine, crack and speed. >> for the overly excitable, wired, flamboyant , teeth-grinding, somewhat paranoid types >> always looking for a bigger fix, and better purity >> scenes of going to make a buy: two by four stopping the door, just a slot in the door. Most of these dealers don't sniff, they're only in it for the money, they're not hooked. There are the hipster dealers in the restrooms at the new dance discotheques. >> You're already high on the way to get it, you can already taste it, that's how strong it is, you're getting high just from the anticipation - you're brain is producing the same chemicals just from the expectation. 14 Menstrual blood: the feeling of barbiturates, heroin, and hard liquor, percoset and all of that shit, the artificial downers. 15 Sexual secretions: like the psychedelics, LSD, mescaline, mushrooms, nitrous oxide - "That's what makes those panties so rare." >> while listening to the Grateful Dead. The acid person: at ease with himself, in touch with reality, conscious of his surroundings, always deflecting tense situations >> scenes of going to make a buy: 16 "The Carrot People" The normal people who don't indulge. Main principle: work only for rewards. Opposite of the stick people, who live for self-punishment. Always looking ahead, to the next move, a big term for them, the next move. Do anything to get to the top. Phony as they come, influenced by the media. They look down on Jerry Springer, but deep down inside they want to watch. The kings and queens of hypocrisy. Sidney Hipple refers to them as "androids" and says, joking about their inner circuitry, "Be careful clicking those garage door openers, these people are going to be bumping into the walls. They ignore the common thread of society." 17 Naturally dealers are dealing mainly in one type of secretion. 18 TV commercial for an workout club that offers free memberships in return for their sweaty panties at the end of every workout. (Panties with a patch on the back, so the panties are primarily sweat oriented.) 19 Most panties that you buy on the street are like potluck - you never know what odor you're going to get - you get a little up, you get a little down, you go sideways, a couple of left turns, the next thing you know, you don't know where you are. 20 A scene: Four people on stage, all under the influence of different panties, having a conversation, taking sniffs as they go along, going more and more deeply under. 21 Word circulates. Soon there are panty-dealers selling soiled panties, just like they sell drugs. 22 [Panty dealing scenarios are similar to marijuana and cocaine scenarios. - "Waiting for the man, money in my hand'"] Panty dealers in Lowell, panties sold in shrink-wrap baggies. 23 Drug sales plummet across the city. People aren't buying drugs any more, they're buying panties instead. Sniffing panties makes people very mellow, which helps decrease violent crimes - for the most part. <scenarios of various drug stereotypes> 24 Takes place in an alley in Lowell Three or four police cruisers are blocking off the alley. Zoom in on a man face down in the alley, with something on his head, which appears to be a pair of women's panties. Two detectives and three plain clothes men. The coroner is there, and he turns the body over. One of the officers says: "Another panty O.D." The dead man's name is Dino Costello, a close childhood friend of Tony D'Wonderful. 25 Dino was the one person that believed in Tony and thought he was interesting and not a failure. 26 Takes place at Wing Wang's Chinese Restaurant, owned by George Annapopolis, a local property owner-he owns the last rooming house with hallway bathrooms. (Show George collecting rents.) Tony is reading of his friend's demise in the newspaper. 27 Tony works at Wing Wang's delivering take-out. 28 Sometimes the owner George lets him perform his lounge singer act when the take-out orders are slow. 29 Tony also moonlights as a private detective, mainly divorce. In his spare time he videotapes stag parties. 30 Vito Vasellini, local mob figure, calls for a take-out. Obviously George treats him like royalty because of his reputation, and because every time he calls, it's at least a $60 order. Tony arrives at Vito's. Vito is discussing minor mob business with henchman goon Danny Dupa. Tony rings the door bell. Dupa lets him in. Everybody calls him "Dupa." Vito is having a party, some kind of party. He tells Dupa to tell them that he'll be right there. He greets Tony, and pulls him aside. Tony hands the food to Dupa, and Dupa takes it in to the party. Vito wants a word with Tony. 31 Vito wants to see if Tony can be trusted. There is a very large shipment coming in of designer panties that Vito is shipping out to California, where good panties are hard to come by. Vito has a private processing plant, smaller than his sweatshops, where he had women constantly drinking fluids and working out on exercise machines. He collects the panties every three days. Inside the sweatshop room we see a bottled water dispenser with "Scumunghi" crossed off, and "Witt Brothers" written in glow-in-the-dark orange. The girls drink a lot of this water, and that's what makes the panties so potent after three days. 32 People don't know a lot about panties, or why they get people high, but Vito knew that sweaty almost cakey panties were not only super-potent, but would last longer. He vacuum packed every pair himself. Dupa would watch, hoping that someday he could do it. Vito had to stay straight when he did it. The panties were so potent, Vito had to wear a mask to keep from getting high. Even two feet away, you could feel the effects. That's why he vacuum packed every pair right away. Dupa never wore a mask - he was immune to getting high from panties. The shit stains didn't get him drunk, the piss stains didn't mellow him out, the blood stains, even heavy blood stains, had no effect at all. When friends came around to Vito's private plant, he'd make Dupa wear a bloody, scabby pair over his nose, with no effect whatsoever. People were amazed at his tolerance. 33 The truth was, Dupa burnt out his nose on paint thinner when he was just a teenager, before he first met Vito. Believe it or not, Vito helped change Dupa's life. Dupa didn't want Vito to know he was a glue-head. 34 Vito gives Tony a package and asks him to deliver it to Gallagher Station at one o'clock, after Tony makes his last delivery. The guy will be wearing a plaid sports coat and brown penny loafers. There will be no exchange - Tony just gives him the package, the guy doesn't give him anything. The package is wrapped in brown paper, about the size of eight or ten folded shirts. (a brick of panties) Vito gives Tony the money for the food, and a $40 tip. Tony leaves. 35 Takes place at the Gallagher Bus Terminal. Two cabs are waiting outside, waiting for passengers from the train. The train comes in from Boston. Tony has ten minutes before the passengers reach the exit, so he goes to the bathroom. He goes in the stall, and delicately probes the package with his fingers, assuming that they're panties. He pulls out a pair, without disturbing the package, and puts it in his back pocket. Tony D'Wonderful is a joy popper - someone who just sniffs panties every once and a while, he's not hooked. 36 Tony leaves the bathroom and sees what looks like the pick-up guy. He's very overweight, with pitted skin and sunglasses, like an overweight Charles Bukowski. He reeks of patchouli oil and Old Spice. The guy says, "You got the package from Mr. V'" Tony says "Yeah," and hands him the package. The man leaves, and walks out the side door towards the parking garage. 37 Tony is outside talking to a cabbie friend, Arthur. Arthur is a local underground jazz musician, who is forced to drive a cab. He is one of the most humble and most genuine people that Tony knows. Tony sees another man lurking in the terminal like he's looking for somebody - he's dressed like the pick-up guy. Tony thinks, "I might have given it to the wrong guy." He walks around the corner to get a paper, and sees the pick-up man drive out of the garage. He seems him take off what looks like a wig - she has cropped hair. She takes off the plaid sports jacket, exposing extremely large breasts. Now Tony realizes this wasn't the right pick-up man - it appears to be a woman. She seems somewhat familiar. Now Tony knows he's in trouble. The scene fades with Tony looking at the train pulling out. 39 This was a trial shipment of Vito's prize panties. Vito would be furious, but still remain in control. It was only a small shipment. Now he would have the women wear the panties for five days if necessary, and charge more when he sold them. 40 The next scene opens at 231 Appleton Street, a rooming house owned by his boss at Wing Wang's, George Annanopolis. Tony is lying in bed, his pillow wrapped around his head. Someone knocks on the door and he awakes. We see that Tony is still fully clothed, except for his shoes, and his tie is loose. He answers the door - it's Goodtime Eddie Blank, looking to give Tony $5 if he can get him some panties. Tony says, "Give me the twenty and the five. Come back in six hours - I'll try to get some today." 41 Usually Eddie gets them from the hookers, but he always gets burnt. Eddie wants to hang around with Tony, but Tony says, "If you want me to get the panties, get away from me." Eddie leaves. Tony takes his towel, soap, underwear, and a pair of pants, and goes downstairs and down the hall the common bathroom, and takes a shower. 42 Tony's day starts with looking into his friend Dino's demise. He's heard about other people OD-ing on panties, and he knows about a man named Sidney Hipple, nicknamed "the Prince of Panties." 43 Sidney Hipple only had one fantasy in his head: that he would be able to control time and make it stop. Life would be frozen, but touchable, and he could do whatever he wanted. No one would ever be violated or affected by his behavior. There were no limits to what his fantasies would become. Sniffing soiled panties had always taken the edge off. Years later, in the future, he would be well known as a Professor of Panty-ology. And he would be distinguished, but that's another story for another time. Stefano's Wash & Fold where Sidney Hipple works as assistant manager. It's three in the afternoon, and Sidney has come on shift. 44 Background on Sidney When he was a child, his mother had lingerie parties. Sidney, being young and innocent, was allowed to come in and watch. When the women changed their panties, they'd let him take them to the hamper. He started sniffing them, and eventually became quite good. Now he can smell a pair of soiled panties and be able to tell not only age and nationality, but also what they had for supper and other peculiar hidden traits. 45 Sidney conducted extensive research in the five basic stains and their effects. Years ago, when Sidney was a connoisseur of panties, they never seemed to get him high. Not until recently, the past two years. His current discoveries in panty research proved that different panty stains had different effects. He was the only one that knew this. Some people had an idea about it, maybe, but nobody knew for sure. All they knew was, sweaty ones got you high, like smoking pot or some good hash. Some nationalities could be a little bit like Thai stick. Strange as it seems, Mexican women would have the effect of Acapulco Gold. Sidney was in a position to study the panties that came in to the laundry to process and return. 46 Panty-sniffing was an East Coast phenomenon. Panties were shipped to the West Coast, and to Canada, until one day when the Witt brothers thriving business in bottled water became national, and then international. The water had already started to affect plant life. 47 Someone tells Tony to see Sidney Hipple. Tony thinks Sidney Hipple may be the one who's tainting the panties. He goes to investigate. 48 Tony walks in, carrying his laundry, looking like he lost his best friend in the world. He puts his clothes in a washer, and goes to the desk to get quarters for the machine. As Sidney is giving him the quarters, he sees how bummed out he is, and asks what's wrong. Tony plays dumb and asks, "You know anything about soiled panties'" Sidney downplays his expertise and says little. Tony tells him how the panties were hijacked, and that Vito will eventually find out. 49 Sidney tells Tony how he gets panties: When women bring in their laundry, he takes out the choice panties, and the next day buys identical panties to replace them. The women always come back because their underwear turns out like brand new. Now he has a supply in the back of all different types. Sidney tells Tony: "You probably lost a brick of panties - that's 144 pairs. Come back in five days, I'll see what I can do, I'll call in a couple of favors." 50 Tony leaves the Wash & Fold with his clean laundry. He stops at a pay phone and calls Wing Wang's. He tells George he won't be in to work, he's not feeling well. George says, "Don't give me that shit, I know it's this private detective bullshit you're working on. If you're not here by 8 o'clock, don't come back." Tony sits down on a park bench and the scene fades out. 51 Tony back at work at 8 o'clock, making a delivery up on Andover Street. He drops off the food - it's Lotta Gue's place. She recognizes him as the panty pickup guy. He recognizes her from the heist, when he saw her take off the wig at the bus terminal. They both play dumb. Neither one knows they've been recognized. 52 Tony goes back to Wing Wang's to do some more deliveries, and finally gets off at 12:30. He picks up his friend Spaz Gasket, an over-excitable jittery bohemian type, who is out late hanging out, getting out from a jam session at the Rialto. He talks about the jam that Tony missed, and how hot it was. "Dave Duck was laying down some crazy beats. Lance Gargoyle was there." 53 Lance rented a practice room above the Rialto and had jams there every Tuesday night. It was usually Dave Duck on drums, Johnny B on bass and guitar, and sometimes vocals, and Lance on guitar, synthesizer, and vocals. This night Spaz was allowed to recite his poetry as the guys improvised a jam. Lance always recorded every time he played, and had hundreds of tapes from dozens of jam sessions. Tony always wanted to be at the jams, but always had to work Tuesday night. That's the night that George's daughter always took off to go play bingo at St. Patrick's church. 54 Tony asks Spaz to do him a favor. He doesn't want Spaz to know the real reason. A very important man wants him to keep an eye on his wife. He needs someone to watch the coast while Tony does a little snoop-d-snoop. Obviously he's looking into Lotta Gue. They sit in Tony's old Dodge Dart (with a slant six) over on a side street, until the last person leaves Lotta Gue's party. Tony still has the panties in his back pocket, and he offers them to Spaz in appreciation for helping him out. Tony says he'll be right back, he's going to try to get inside. The bulkhead door is unlocked, and he enters the basement. 55 Lotta Gue's living room. Tony is peeking in through the cellar door. Lotta Gue is talking to her left hand girl Snookie Lumps, and a half a dozen of her close confidantes who call themselves "the Daughters of Sappho." 56 Lotta Gue looks like an updated Mole McHenry, but with even more of an attitude. She comes from family that used to be well off, but lost it all. Her father was a pharmacist and owned a pharmacy, but lost his business. 57 Lotta has multiple personality disorder from intense pain as a child. Major personality: sweet as pie, that's Lotta. The girl next door, your high school prom date, confident social personality. 58 Secondary personality: "Joey" -- doesn't feel any pain, always hurting himself for the fun of it. Her left arm has a close row of scars from her wrist all the way up her forearm. Plucks her tangled pubic hair when she gets frustrated or when someone tries to overpower her - she'll want to do that, anyway - a lot of times she won't be able to, which is why she wants to get away from the person who's trying to overpower her. Lotta has the style of a feminist Mussolini or a dedicated mad scientist. She's bragging about how her scheme to poison the panties is right on schedule. 59 Lotta studies the Cabala. She finds a formula that mixes in the tears of the grieving - which are naturally hard to come by, and for which there is no substitute. She tells her Snookie Lumps and her other six confidantes that they have to start attending more funerals and collecting tear-soaked handkerchiefs, while she works on a synthetic replacement. She tells the girls to get out there and spread their panties around, and they'll meet again in a couple of days. 60 Tony overhears all this. He slips away to rejoin Spaz. Spaz is slouched down in the passenger seat with little headphones on, listening to the Mother's Fillmore East album. Tony gets in, looks at Spaz and grins, and starts to drive away. 61 It's 2 o'clock in the morning and they stop at Merit Station to get some gas. Tony is filling his tank when Dupa drives up with Vito. Tony naturally acts like nothing's wrong. Vito rolls down the tinted side window and motions with his head for Tony to come over. Tony gets into Vito's block-long limo. Vito asks Tony if the exchange worked out all right. Tony says sure, he saw the guy, he gave him the package. Vito says he didn't get the package - "You know what that means'" Tony says, "Someone else got the package'" "That's right, bright balls. And who do you think is going to replace the package'" Tony says, "I don't know." Vito says, "Don't play dumb, you do it too well. Them was real special panties for some Hollywood bigshots. I got a delivery date in three days. Get them panties or $5000." 62 Vito has a flashback In a way Vito feels kind of bad for Tony. Tony reminds Vito of the guys he used to see when he worked at the porno shop. Besides cleaning the semen off the walls, the floor, and sometimes the ceiling in the booths in the back - and a lot on the screen, Vito would work at the desk, taking money and seeing the people that purchased pornography. Vito looked at these people with disgust. Vito was a crude mother-fucker, and kind of a fucking degenerate, but he wasn't gonna let no one else know it. His register was like a toll booth - you always bought something before you left. He saw those guys and what they bought. You learn a lot about people from how they look and what pornography they would buy. There were a lot of steady customers, and Vito despised every single one of them. He never smiled, he never made eye contact, he wouldn't even acknowledge their existence outside of his little toll booth. He looked at the men who came in, and saw their lives as needing this fulfillment. Some people came in, went to the section they knew, picked out what they wanted, paid for it and left. Some would browse, undecided about which to choose. Vito saw these men and he knew their weakness. Someday he would use it with panties. Vito never saw Tony come inside the porno shop, but he looked like one of the guys that should have. 63 Tony tries to explain to Vito about Lotta Gue and the Daughters of Sappho, but Vito gives him a slap on the side of the head and tells him to shut up, he don't want to hear it. Dupa rolls down the privacy window and looks back and grins. Tony gets out of the limo. 64 Mort Morgan's Mortuary. A cadaver is lying on the slab with a sheet over it. The corpse sits up and the sheet falls off him: he's naked, he's a zombie. Apparently the soiled panty O.D. makes its victims come back to life as zombies - they don't want to eat flesh, they want to dance – they have a hip attitude. Their bodies don't decay. The zombie puts on a pair of sweatpants lying nearby and a Captain Beefheart T-shirt, and bebops out the side door. He doesn't look reanimated in the least, he looks like some cool dude. We see him walking the street. He doesn't know where he's going, but he has this instinctive desire to travel north, to Manchester. 65 (Lotta Gue was tainting panties as an experiment: only 7 or 12 sniffers got an O.D. and became zombies. Lotta Gue's formula (which got destroyed) was called ZX-21. 66 The zombies become "Guardians of the Pool" after they drink the water from the Source - and that's how they find out the whole story of how it started. 67 If the rock affects the water, if someone knew it was that rock, and they got a piece of the rock, it could be very powerful, because of the effect it has on perspiration. That's where the Guardians come in. Now the zombies are completely reanimated and look normal again. They take up residence and get jobs in the local area. They become part of the community, and to guard the Cosmic Mound, they earn enough money to buy the piece of land that has the stream on it. 68 They start experimenting with minute pieces of the rock to gauge their effects on them. Remember, these people have already died and come back to life with all normal bodily functions reactivated. They are experimenting with the very source of the phenomenon that had made them what they are. 69 Vito at home. The décor is Mafia modern: a velvet painting of Elvis, a crocodile pond in the living room with a plexiglass wall around it. There's a gap between the plexiglass and the floor, big enough for Vito to tease the crocodiles, but too small for them to escape through. There's a big black leather easy chair. On the mantle over the fireplace there's a gallon mayonnaise jar, three-quarters filled with formaldehyde and big toes. Next to the jar there's a small wooden buddha - Vito's like a new age don. On his bookshelf we see books by Alan Watts, Rajneesh, Ruth Montgomery, along with Abbie Hoffman's Steal This Book. Vito is dressed in a purple silk bathrobe and fluffy slippers. Dupa comes in with something to eat: a platter of oreos and glass of red wine. 70 Vito starts thinking about Lotta Gue and what Tony said. Lotta Gue's father was a regular guy - Vito pictures this in his mind. He ran a drugstore and an employee and friend of Vito's was stealing drugs for years. Lotta Gue's father got blamed, lost his business, and went to jail for a short time. Eventually he had a nervous breakdown and became a mental patient. 71 Vito realizes that Lotta Gue is involved in the panty theft, and he and Dupa go to see her. Snookie Lumps is there with Lotta on the couch watching television. Vito rings the bell and we hear the sound of a cat's meow, which the bell makes. The camera zooms to Snookie Lumps' feet in men's slippers from L.L.Bean. Her feet go from the hassock to the floor. Her face looks at Lotta and she goes to answer the door. She looks out the peephole, and sees Vito and Dupa. When Vito sees her eye through the peephole, he spits at the peephole, pushes the door open, and enters. We now see Snookie Lumps dressed in flannel pajamas and a trench coat type bathrobe. At that moment, Lotta looks shocked. Snookie Lumps stands in front of Vito. Dupa goes up to her, pushes her aside. Vito walks up to Lotta and says, " I want them friggin panties back. I know you're the fucks that took 'em." It's rare, but Lotta and Snookie Lumps are wired on coke, celebrating the big score. Because they're wired, they're kind of sloppy, and have thrown the panties up in the air in celebration. Lotta says, "I'm a woman, I got panties." Vito looks around the room and sees the panties strewn about, picks up one of them, and takes a long hard sniff. He says, "I can tell my panties when I sniff 'em." Lotta knows she's been bagged. Vito looks at Dupa and says, "What do you think we should do, Dupe'" (Vito is the only one who can call Dupa "Dupe".) Dupa puts his speaking device to his throat to speak and says in a gargling voice, "Let's fuck 'em up." Vito says, "Maybe we can make a deal here." Snookie Lumps looks at Dupa, and she's almost in attack mode. Dupa looks at her with his piercing eyes, grinds his teeth back and forth like he's crushing caraway seeds. Snookie knows what Dupa's bite can do. As he's walking around the room collecting the panties, Vito is counting, "One potato, two potato, three potato, more'" He pushes Lotta forward, takes the pillow from behind her back, and pulls off the pillow case. He puts the panties he's picked up into the pillow case, hands it to Dupa, and tells him to pick up the rest. Lotta looks terrified. Vito looks at Dupa and tells him to assume the position. Dupa immediately drops the bag with the panties he's collected, grabs Snookie Lumps by the head, and puts her ear in his mouth and clamps down. Vito's final revenge. Lotta Gue says, "Wait a minute!" Though she's wired on coke, she still has some sensibility. "With those Hollywood big shots not getting the panties, there's gonna be a drought, they're gonna be more strung out than ever. And you know what happens every time there's a drought' Prices always go up." Dupa looks at Vito with the uncontrollable urge to bite off Snookie Lumps' ear. The last thing Dupa bit off was someone's thumb, and that was over two years ago. To Dupa, biting off Snookie Lumps' ear would be equal to winning $2000 on a scratch ticket-that thrill, that excitement! Vito is about to give Dupa the okay. Lotta Gue stands up and says, "What do you think would happen if you put a woman's picture on each package of panties' You think that might add to the appeal a little bit' Think you could charge a little bit more for 'em'" Vito snaps his fingers, and instinctively Dupa releases his hold. Lotta Gue has got Vito's attention now. Lotta says, "How many people you think buy panties'" Vito says, "What are you trying to say'" Lotta says, "Nobody puts pictures of a good looking woman on the package to add to the fantasy and the drug inducement. You could be the all-time panty king. This could be a new era in soiled panties. An innovation will totally revolutionize the marketing of soiled panties. I highjacked your panties to see what their potency level was, and they went off the meter. I don't know what you did to those panties, but those are the most powerful panties imaginable." Vito pictures in his mind the process he uses to get the panties so potent, and realizes that having various innocent-looking young women on the package would add to their appeal. Lotta makes a face that shows that she see that Vito sees it's a brilliant idea. Vito looks up like Napoleon - he sees his place in history. As Dupa continues to collect the rest of the panties, the scene fades. 72 Final scene: Tony joins Panty Sniffers Anonymous Panty Cult: the Credit Song An alien took a dump, it hardened in a stream Before you knew it bottled water was a scream The people drank it but didn't feel affected Crotch perspiration became the new sensation Then there were dealers with panties in bag Drug addicts bought them They found a new high The police got involved, but couldn't find out why There was decrease in violent crimes They mellowed out, they mellowed out No more methadone No more cocaine No more heroin No more weed Soiled panties were all they would need (solo) If you've been sleepin' and Your underwear's been creepin' Check out your hamper, you might Find out it's been tampered If something's missin', then Somebody might be sniffin' It's an addiction, a high Pulled out from whiffin' The drugs we used to do don't matter Now it's panty goo An alien took a dump, it hardened in a stream Before you knew it bottled water was a scream It's only Panty Cult, no need in freakin' out You can do them by yourself You don't need no one else For Panty Cult Panty Cult II Premise: soiled panties are all the rage. A company develops soiled panty air freshener: incense, the ones you hang from your rearview window. The company is called Private Scents. The Panty Cartel doesn't like this, because people aren't buying panties as much anymore. Unusual new panty paraphernalia is coming on the market. Celebrity panties are in vogue. "Panties of the Rich and Famous" Panty scents packaged in a set of twelve different scents. There's a chart that tells you which ones are choose to get the desired nationality - you can even make up your own nationalities, that's the fun of it. A feud between the Panty Cartel and this new company Private Scents. Lotta Gue, with a background in chemistry and cosmetics, makes a comeback as the instigator of Panty Scents. Panty Cult III Sidney Hipple and his sculptures: Sidney has Soul. Positive alien entities inhabit the structures to counteract the effects of the mystery rock and the panty cult phenomenon.
All material Copyright Laughing Dervish 2001 ©